Month Eight...(March 2012)

Well, well.  What a month this was!  It started on February 27th, actually, but since it all rolled into the events of month 8, it will all make one post!

On February 26th, at 31 weeks and 2 days into carrying you, I started to feel "off".  It's the best way that I could describe it.  Your Dad had left for New York City on a business trip.  We both lectured each other on a few things before he left:

Me to Daddy:

1) Keep your phone on (he always has it on silent), seriously, you never know what might happen while you're gone.
2) Call before you go to bed (we always talk before bedtime, if he's away)
3) Have fun when you're not in your meeting, but please wherever you go, take your phone with you (he always forgets it)

Daddy to me:

1) Don't go into labour while I'm gone.
2) If you think you're in labour, hold that baby in until I get home.
3) Don't overdo it, as there's no one around if something happens

Daddy didn't follow ANY of his rules!  I followed two out of the three.  It was a stressful day on February 27th, a day that would change the rest of this pregnancy for the both of us!

On February 28th, by mid morning, I felt so horrible and in so much pain, that I called the midwives, called your Dad and was asked to head to the hospital immediately.  Once we arrived, it was confirmed that I was in labour!  This is where EVERYTHING of month 8, changed!

It was supposed to be a month of fun and excitement.  A month of CELEBRATION and change.  A month where we got to prepare as best as we could for your arrival.  We had maternity photos planned, a baby shower that was being thrown for us by our friends, Daddy was planning a surprise for my 30th Birthday and we had plans to finish your nursery.  Well, what it turned out to be, was a month of chaos, fear, worry, prayers, hospital visits, tears, anticipation, countdowns, goals and much, much more.  Truth be told, without sugar coating it, it was at times, a horrific month for me.  A month that was difficult to manage, explain my feelings to anyone and very intrusive.  It was a month of medical talk, risk and craziness.

At times, people asked "How are you doing?"  "What was new?"  "How was I feeling?"  I wanted to SCREAM, cry or breakdown and say, "How am I doing?"  Miserable, actually.  "What was new?"  I'm still pregnant and don't know if I want to keep growing this baby, or just have the baby arrive, so that my body can recover and not be in so much pain.  "How was I feeling?"  Terrified, alone and like I completely lost any and all privacy I have ever had when it comes to my body and this pregnancy. That I just wanted to have some sort of answer when the contractions, joint flare up and complications would end.  That I couldn't EVER describe to someone what my heart felt like on a daily basis. However, I usually answered with, "I'm doing OK, I'm hoping to keep this little one growing as long as God allows me and I am glad that I am still pregnant today.  The truth HURT and most times, no one really wants to hear it, or would EVER understand it, unless they'd been there themselves.  They want to hear the positive.  They want to hear the sugar coating.  This was HARD for me.  Some days, I just NEEDED to be negative and have someone listen.  I was thankful for the friends, family and staff that would let me do this...share my fears, talk through them and then be able to move on after.  Keeping the feelings in, made the day so long and so much worse...Sometimes, I was resentful and I HATED feeling this way.

Each day and milestone got better and better.  My first few days were spent at Mt. Sinai hospital in Toronto.  That was a scary, scary experience, as everyone there, was so high risk and babies were passing away all around me.  It made me so extremely scared.  I was SO happy to make it to 32 weeks pregnant and get the heck out of there and back to Markham-Stouffville (the hospital where you would be born).  I was not sure how long I would have to stay in the hospital, but just getting out of THERE, would surely make things a bit easier.

The first week was spent getting every test, ultrasound and exam completed to see what might be happening with your growth/this pregnancy.  We were given steroid shots to mature your lungs.  We were given something to stop labour, which in the end, I could not take, so it was even more scary.  We had 2x daily Non-Stress Tests (NST's) and weekly Ultrasounds- Biophysical Profiles (BPP's), to ensure that your heart rate was okay, you were not getting stressed inside and that your growth/heart/lungs were all maturing, in case you were delivered early.  Each time, you passed these, it was a relief.  You were still measuring large at every ultrasound (predicted at our last BPP, that you were 8lbs, 6oz, which was in fact your birth weight!), so I was happy for you to come, anytime after the "safe zone"...as the Dr's kept referring to 36 weeks as.  After the first week, we were told that I wouldn't leave the hospital before 36 weeks.  What a long month that would be!

As days went by, I met many nurses, Doctors and roommates.  My first roommate, was Heather.  She and I got along EXTREMELY well and still stay in touch to this day.  One week after meeting her and Ethan, they had their baby boy- Nolan, which Daddy and I got really excited over!  In total, I had 13 roommates during my stay, none as amazing as she was!  We heard many births through the walls of our room and shared many laughs, fears and worries with each other.  Each week, the staff would be shocked that I was still pregnant with you, each time people visited, they asked when I thought you were coming.  This perhaps was the most frustrating of all questions!  Daddy would ask this as well and trust me, if I could have predicted it, I would have...oddly enough, the only two dreams that I had about specifics in this pregnancy, were dreams that your birthday would be on April 12th, and low and behold, it WAS!!!!!!!!!!!

We were VERY thankful for all of the visits, supports, prayers and everything in between that happened this month.  We wouldn't have made it through this long, tiring month without so many special people in our lives.  I am extremely thankful and grateful for your Dad.  His strength, love and support for the both of us, is something that I could NEVER put into words for you.  While I missed out on your first baby shower, my 30th birthday party and many other moments, I was grateful for the love that your Dad showed me each day.  He hated being away from us, spoiled us as much as he could and spent an entire month trying to manage working, taking care of the house, taking care of you and I and trying to help me through the emotions and fears that we had, should you have come early.

I was VERY grateful to have been released home on bedrest at 35 weeks, a massive surprise, the evening of my birthday!  While I was happy to go home, I was even happier that you were still growing and that I would get to walk through the front door again and go to bed in your Daddy's arms at least one last time before you arrived.  I was nervous, as I knew it would still be a lot of work for your Dad, I could barely walk/sleep due to the pain and labour, but each day got better and more manageable, labour wise.  We fell more and more in love with you during this month, praying that you'd be okay and arrive at a "safe" enough time, where we could take you straight home.  Every bit of worry, pain and emotional roller coaster, was worth it, just to be able to hold you in our arms soon enough!

What a crazy, whirlwind of a month!  We were excited to see what next month would hold and when you're birthday would finally be!

The little things...

Everyone kept/keeps telling me that pregnancy can get really emotional.  They have warned me that silly things, important things, heart breaking things and sometimes NOTHING can make you cry.  I was wondering if or when this would actually "hit" me and had my doubts that I would be one of "those" women that cry at the little things.  Until Sunday...

Dad and I went to church and the Pastor was preaching about the things that we learn(ed) from our own Moms and Dads, from family, from friends and from anyone else in our lives.  He asked if anyone needed more friends, or needs family, as they aren't close by, to raise their hands.  The purpose of this, was for someone to reach out to them, as this month, at church, is outreach month. 

This week, your Dad and I talked a lot about friends.  How our friends either don't live in this country, or live a few hours away.  We have some "aquaintances" that we have been getting to know here, but no one that we could really count on/ask for/swap favours with, if in a crunch...or just needing to be with other people.  IT.MADE.MY.CRY.  First it was a few of those "blinking tears" (ones that well up in your eyes, but you think you can blink away) and then they just started falling.  It was impossible to explain to your Dad how I was feeling at that moment, but it really made me miss our FRIENDS.

Later on that day, Dad gave me flowers, these beautiful orchids.  He hoped we could put them on the kitchen table and watch them flower and grow.  Something beautiful to watch and wait for, while we waited to hold you.  Then, that made me cry.

It came with a card.  The cutest little baby card, with booties on them.  Inside, were some of the sweetest, most vulnerable words that your Dad has ever written me.  They don't happen often.  Or, I can actually say, they DIDN'T happen often...until we started watching you grow inside me.  His words, his card, his vulnerability, made me cry.

There are other things that have started the waterworks.  There has been a few disagreements, frustrations, tiredness etc, but I guess, I can now safely say, that even the little things make me teary-eyed now.

One thing, that I want to remember, hold close and write to you, is that lately, I have had to hold back my emotion, almost daily.  Your Dad, is becoming a REAL softy.  From constantly kissing my belly and therefore giving you kisses; to telling me and "the bump" how much he loves us.  It melts my heart, everytime he goes to work, coming to give me a kiss.  He exposes my "bump", gives you a kiss and tells us that he loves us and misses us already.

You've already got Daddy wrapped around your little finger...

Keeping us on our toes!!!

Well, well, little one.  We've heard the phrase A LOT, "giving you a run for your money".  But we were hoping not to use that phrase when it came to you/us for a very long time.  Last night, however, you won the battle and we lost.  I wanted to re nickname you, "little buggar", but Dad didn't think it was very endearing.

See, Mommy has been quite busy over the last few days, visiting friends/family, doing some shopping research for you, completing a gift for Daddy and doing a lot of driving.  I have been feeling quite uncomfortable and tired, so I wasn't as "on the ball" as I usually am. 

Yesterday morning, I realized that I had not felt you moving much at all in the last day.  You have DEFINITE patterns, which surprises the midwives already (but not me, as I am a pattern kind of person) and your pattern had been off.  I had been feeling quite stretched and sore lately, so Dad just kept reassuring me that you were having a growth spurt and were extra tired.  By mid morning/early afternoon, I thought more about it and called your Dad, saying that I really hadn't felt you move since the night before.  He tried to play off that he wasn't worried and to just call the midwives, but I knew he was worried as well.  I tried EVERYTHING!  Candy, water, pop, juice, milk, food...and NOTHING would make you budge.

I called the midwives mid afternoon and they said that I should head home (was already on my way there), have some protein, juice and a glass of really cold water, lie on my left side for a half hour and call them if you moved less than 6 times or not at all.  Within 30 minutes of getting home, you didn't move.  The midwife called back, asked us to meet her colleague at the hospital, so that she could do a check.  At this point, I was quite worried, as was your Dad.  She reassured me that you could have moved, now hiding yourself behind my placenta, which is in the front, but that she wanted to make sure, as your movements were so off. 

We got to the hospital and your Dad (he thinks he super funny, even when I'm worried), tried to make a joke: "Well, at least I know how to get you here now, when you're in labour and don't want to give me directions...maybe this baby just wanted us to have our hospital tour early...OOH look, the gift shop has SUPER CUTE TOYS"!  The last part of that statement, almost had me laughing, just because it is SO typical of your Dad!

We met the midwife, she reassured us not to wait so long next time and then took us into a triage room.  See, the GREAT thing about being pregnant and having midwives we found out, is that they meet you at Labour and Delivery, you skip the ER and go straight to a room to be examined!  It's like playing Monopoly, rolling the dice and getting sent to jail without collecting the $200 at "GO" (although better than going to jail obviously!).

She sat me down, asked a few questions and then pulled out the doppler to see if we could hear your heartbeat.  You gave us an immediate "horse gallop" of a heartbeat, at a nice strong 144bpm and for the first time in over 24 hours, gave a kick!  it was a kick SO HARD, that you moved the doppler right off of my belly!  We were all VERY relieved to see and hear that, but were all shocked at the amount of movement we heard on the doppler, without having any feeling of it from the outside/inside whatsoever!

She felt my belly and let us know that you are finally moving out of your "comfy" position, laying sideways across my belly!  I wasn't too happy to know that I have bruised ribs from you digging your bum up in there, but it made me laugh, as Dad likes to stick his bum out in a comfy position when he sleeps as well!  You are now laying diagonal in my tummy, with your face under the placenta and your legs up in my right ribs.  She gave me some suggestions on how to move you OUT OF THERE, before I break a rib, so let's hope that those work!

Needless to say, baby Clarke, you are keeping us on our toes!  It'd be nice if you stopped teasing us and playing games...until you've joined us outside in this world!!!!

To my unborn child, from Daddy:

You have been growing for 6 months and already you have taken mummy and daddy through the spectrum of emotions; from the “uhh…. say again?!” moment with the stick (or I should say 8 sticks!! Mummy is very efficient like that), to the denial, 3 months of anxiety, the anticipation and excitement that encapsulates the remaining 6. All in all though, frustration reigns supreme at the moment; I know you need to grow but the simple truth, is that I want to meet you and hold you today. Needless to say, I’m hoping that the remaining few months fly by.  

Today mummy is modeling a rather large belly and daddy spends his evenings trying to hunt you out, like a warship chasing a submarine. As the score stands, I’m wining 5-2 in the game of battleships; last night you lost your sub. I do have to confess; I’m cheating though. I will teach you what this means by introducing you to Uncle Scott one day. The thing is, recently you have become so big and strong that my hand doesn’t detect your movement anymore but is literally repelled from mummy’s belly every time you give her a one-two or a kick. I cheer you on; mummy put down the pom-poms when you took an interest in her ribs and bladder but she still loves to see you grow.  

It will be hard to explain to you one day what becoming a parent feels like. It is a responsibility you have to live to appreciate. We are only scratching the surface at the moment but our days are spent thinking about how you will grow, play, laugh and who you will become. I find myself standing in your room looking at the crib and thinking of what will be. In short you have become the center of our worlds and everything else seems that little bit less important and benign.  Becoming a father has opened me up and knocked down a few walls. It is not just a new chapter in life but more like different life altogether. Strong emotions develop for someone so small, so foreign, someone you don’t even know and haven’t even met yet. Your focus turns and your priorities change. As it turns out, ironically, the most selfish thing in the world is to want the joy and happiness of another.

Lots of love,

Now and always,

Daddy.