Imagining Motherhood.

I often got asked questions growing up, that were like this:

"When do you want to get married"?
"Do you want to have kids one day"?
"How many children do you want to have"?
"When do you think you'll have kids"?

It all seemed so normal at the time (although sometimes annoying), but once you really think about it, there is never a way to REALLY answer those questions.  You will be asked those questions one day, trust me, you will.

My view on motherhood has changed over time.  I used to think that having a BIG family was it.  4 kids sounded good and naively, easy.  Oh reality.  Once I started looking after kids and working in the Social Work field, that suddenly changed to... I'd rather not have kids, thank you. 

And then, when I truly fell in love, in love with your Dad, something changed my mind.  I don't know if I'll ever be able to put my finger on it, but it changed and it changed drastically.  It became an emotional subject, a subject that was put on hold for years, due to life's circumstances, health issues, it just not being the right time, or the right place.

By the time we were "ready" to consider conceiving, hiccups were thrown in our way.  They were at times realistic and at other times, heartbreaking.  They were  REAL, they were often kept within our 4 walls and they forced me into a state of denial at times.  See, you can wish, want and pray for a baby...but it doesn't always happen when you want, how you imagined or at the "right" time.  That's hard.  Everyone around you starts having kids, sometimes a second child...and you are still longing for just one.

Now that you are growing inside me, I think about what I/WE wanted, instead of what we might actually get.  We were excited for a baby to one day join our family, but we wanted to have two one day.  We wanted a boy and a girl.  We wanted to do things differently than our parents did.  We wanted to be young enough to still have fun with our baby. 

It's amazing how quickly we went from what we wanted, to what we are lucky to be blessed with.  If we only have you, we'd be very happy and very lucky.  If we have a girl or a boy, we'd be excited either way.  If we can be half the parents that our parents were, you would be lucky.  We hope that at 30 years old, starting a family, it is still "young enough", to have fun with you.

When I imagine "motherhood", I imagine many things: being caring, being a good listener, being a good teacher, cooking and baking with you,being a rule setter and breaker, teaching you the importance of family AND indepedence and watching you experience life and what curveballs it will throw you.

I think of raising you to believe in yourself, in others, in God.  I think of teaching you to have a caring heart, to learn to protect and be protected, to be a good husband/wife one day, to have a sense of humour and to be open minded.  These, along with many other things, I wish to be a part of you.

I imagine these things because of the way my own Mom, your Nana, was to me.  Because of how her mother, my Oma, your Great Grandmother, is to her.  Because of how your Dad's Mum, your Grandma, is to him.  Because of how she is to me.  Because of how your Great Grandmother's that left us a long time ago, were to everyone important in their life...oh the stories that we'll share with you about them... 

But mostly, because once we found out that you were going to be a part of our lives, I couldn't get over the fact that everything we tried, talked about, prayed about and did to hope that one day, you'd be a part of our lives, were coming true...you were going to make me a MOTHER.